Pretty Princesses
Seven
years ago, I was a pregnant, cranky, hormonal woman on the verge of a
breakdown. Today… I am no longer pregnant. As for the other aforementioned descriptors,
they haven’t really changed much. A lot of people would say that this is because
having a baby (or three!) changes everything. But I actually have to disagree
with this statement. I think that having a baby brings about every insecurity,
fear, and weakness we keep buried within ourselves our whole lives. For every
woman, there are different triggers which cause us to become defensive and
insecure (the same is true for men, but I really don’t want to go there). For
me, it’s the fear of other people thinking that I’m annoying or simply not liking
me. I constantly worry that people are tired of listening to me speak or that I’m
talking about myself or my children too much. Of course, this fear usually
results in a mild anxiety attack which causes me to talk ten times more than I normally
would.
Recently,
I’ve begun asking myself why it is that I care so much about other people and
their opinions of me. I’ve come up with what I believe is an extremely accurate
explanation: WOMEN ARE BITCHES. If you get pissed that I put that in writing
and talk badly about me to your friends, you are simply proving my point, so
thank you! But let’s be honest here. Starting in elementary school, girls group
together and make fun of other girls for things that are superficial and
hurtful. Why? Does it make us feel better? No. It’s a flimsy shield used to
protect ourselves from our own insecurities. But the question remains… WHY are
we so insecure?
I’ve
decided to blame the Disney princesses. As young girls, we obsess over these
fair maidens with perfect boobs and shiny hair, rescued by princes who are not
only rolling in cash but ride horses, sing, and will literally slay a dragon in
order to steal an innocent kiss from an unconscious
princess. Notice that NONE of the fairytales are centered around married life
and having children. Why? Because this kind of movie would certainly not be
appropriate for children. I guarantee you Belle turned into a crazy bitch once
she popped out a few kids.
As we
grow up and start to realize that the fairytale is bullshit, we get pissed
because that’s how we think life is supposed to be. We get angry at men for not
sweeping us off of our feet while singing love songs in the woods as the forest
animals dance around merrily. Truth be told, this scenario only happens if you
have a gay best friend.
At this
point in time, the sane and rational thing to do would be to turn to other women
for support and input, sharing war stories about husbands and children and the
fact that they are ALL assholes. However, this is where women, as a species,
fail epically. Instead of revealing our uncertainties and our disappointments,
we act out our own Disney movies, complete with the perfect hair and boobs
(thank you Victoria’s Secret). We want others to think that we are just like
those princesses, floating through life without a care in the world, tending to
our perfectly behaved children after spending the afternoon at the gym and
simultaneously updating our boards on Pinterest. LIES!
Here
are just a few of my confessions:
1. My
kids don’t eat vegetables
2. Sometimes,
I pretend to be sick on the couch so nobody will give me shit about the dishes
3. I
wear yoga pants every day of the week, and go to yoga about once every three
months
4. When
I drop my kids off at school, I’m usually wearing the makeup I had on the night
before that I forgot to wash off
5. I
drink coffee all day, simply because I’m not allowed to drink wine and drive
6. My
house is NEVER clean
7. For
every special occasion that requires me to dress up, I buy a new dress, keep
the tags on, and return it the next day
8. I
feel guilty EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY that I’m not giving my children the love
and support that they need to be more secure individuals than I am
Some of
these confessions may seem silly to you, but they’re the pieces of my puzzle
which cause me to worry about what opinions people have of me on a daily basis.
These are the facts I feel I need to fabricate when talking to the princesses
of the world in order to be accepted. Maybe it’s time that we realize those
princesses are just as scared and self-doubting as we are. Something the Disney
movies failed to teach us: perfect boobs and perfect hair do not necessarily
equal a perfect life. I ask you to remember this as you mentally bitch slap the
pretty princess next to you tomorrow in the carpool line…
